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[15 Mar 2012|01:21am] |
i've been writing letters all day. some of them will never be sent and others might be. i guess it's just easier to write down how you feel, trying to express yourself in words but the real understanding and meaning still can't be felt. maybe this is my apology for all the bad i've done and mistakes i've made, lies i've told and things i've done to the extreme. i'm not the easiest person to deal with and i've come to realize that over the course of the past few months. i'm looking at the bigger picture now and not the little. i've let this heart go through hell and there's only so much a heart can take. the reality of it is that life is never what it seems and perfect is such a far fetched concept. if everything was perfect, we wouldn't need half of the things in the world. we wouldn't need any of it probably. if the first generation of a phone worked, then that would be it and no more but there is always room for improvement, even new and improved. the past week i've been trying to be someone i'm not. i'm the old girl i used to be, the one who didn't care and did whatever she wanted. i'm not that much stronger but i've changed to the point of i don't know who the old me was but she wasn't a good person. now i can honestly only be me and i don't even know who i am yet. i'm sorry. here are all the things i've never said that i should have and i'll have to say but won't admit it. i'm sorry for not being there like i should have been, for not putting forth all of the energy i could and for not caring like i know i was supposed to. i'm sorry that i tried and failed you. hard to come back up from being buried six feet under and acting like it's all okay when it isn't and it's never going to be. this is the part where i really say goodbye. goodbye to the past, it's gone and it's never coming back. everything i've said as of lately just seems to be one big mistake after another and if i could, i'd take it back. i don't need you and that's been the hardest thing to say of them all.
the sand between my toes and the cold water daring to meet my feet lets me know that it's okay to be calm and relax. the bright shining sun and breeze that prickles my skin tells me that i'm allowed to smile and be happy. the flutter in my stomach allows me to finally give into everything i've wanted. i look to the sky and i know everything is going to be okay. the sky has everything i want. the sky has the sun and now i'm finally one with the sky.
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[15 Mar 2012|01:20am] |
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when doors are left open, we go to close them. it's just a natural instinct to do so, but who really wants to leave a door open and i guess that's how it comes to life. we always need to close, so in return we need closure especially when it pertains to something that will sit inside of you until you get that. if everything was perfect, we wouldn't need half of the things in the world. we wouldn't need any of it probably. if the first generation of a phone worked, then that would be it and no more but there is always room for improvement, even new and improved. i wanted to be new and improved but no matter who i am, or what i am trying to be i am still the same person underneath. i can't be what others want or need me to be. i can only be me and i don't even know who i am. i'm sorry. i'm sorry for not being there like i should have been, for not putting forth all of the energy i could and for not caring like i know i was supposed to. i'm sorry that i tried and failed you. hard to come back up from being buried six feet under and acting like it's all okay when it isn't and it's never going to be. half of these words don't convey the meaning and conviction i want to instill in you. if we talked then i want you to know that our conversations held something to me because i learned almost something from it, positive or negative. fight while you can fight, don't be negative, stay true to you, keep your head up, the storm gets worse before the calm, if you love someone then you need to set them free and if they come back then you know, remember to say how you feel, be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind, don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. just keep swimming.
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[15 Mar 2012|01:14am] |
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( two )
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[15 Mar 2012|01:12am] |
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( one )
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[15 Mar 2012|01:11am] |
i have dreams
some of them big and some of them small
you though are my biggest dream and have surpassed them all
sweet, heavenly and intoxicating
always searching, looking high and low while some die waiting
nothing that hasn't been already said before
i'm sorry for my lack of words, you leave me continually floored
like a secret, with a lock and key
it's only until our lips meet, that you are finally free
there isn't much time but just a few more things to do
with a whisper, gasp and laugh, is this love real and true?
classic as a tale old as time
keeps you wondering with every rhyme
like the key to your heart
i am yours and you are mine till death do us part
say it once, say it twice
take a chance and make it right
you are the golden ticket
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[15 Mar 2012|01:10am] |
as a child, my biggest fear was the dark. i'd always run through my house, past all the windows and take a dive for my bed. i'd bury myself under my covers and curl up into my pillow, safe from anything that was out there. growing up, that fear still followed me but i got a new one and that was getting my heart broken. being scared of the dark and getting your heart broken make the strangest matches. it's never easy to watch your family break apart and then try to reassemble it all with new pieces that don't exactly fit. that's the thing about life, it's never really easy.
last night i drove up to the state line, and remembered when my life was perfect. there i was, in two places at the same time and all these memories came running back to me like they never left. i remembered when you were my everything and i thought i was your everything. i'd never loved anyone like i loved you. you were my world and everything inside of it. the first time i ever considered getting married and settling down was when you walked back into my life for the second time. little did i know, i didn't have all of you except just pieces that i kept trying to hold onto. i've been holding onto this piece of you but yesterday i lost it.
i have dreams
you are one that is both big and small
you are my greatest, you've surpassed them all
the surest thing that i have in this life
nothing can hurt us, not even words that cut like a knife
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